2011 = SURRENDER.  

no resolutions, just SURRENDER. And it took me all of 2010 to get here. Likely longer than that.

this will be wordy and probably all over the place, and will most likely take me a few tries to finish, but I need to process, and I have elected to do so here.

Had you asked me a month ago if I planned to attend Passion 2011 in Atlanta January 1-4, I would have said no. I probably would have laughed, commented on the expense and ended with a wistful sigh. And that is the greatness of my God. Jesus wanted me there, and He got me there with a minimum of fuss; so quickly and easily that when I arrived and He started speaking I was surprised. 

What everyone asks when you get back: "How was Passion?" It confuses them when you smile ruefully and answer "Good. Hard, but good." It takes explaining when you throw that other adjective in. Everyone expects you to say it was amazing. And it was. The worship was phenomenal. The skill of the musicians is incredible, worshipping in an arena with 20,000--or however many people it was--is awe-inducing. The speakers were engaging and clear. But all of that is only an experience if Jesus doesn't show up.  

I've always wanted to go to Passion. A bunch of friends went to the first One Day Event years ago, and many of my friends have gone the past few years. I was close to buying a ticket for 2010. But it never happened.

And here's where I'm jumping topics:

This past summer i did a Bible study with some friends (more of a book study, I suppose). We read through Crazy Love and Forgotten God by Francis Chan. The crazy thing (ha, "crazy." See what I did there?) is that we all had previously tried to read Crazy Love before and stopped. I said "no." I didn't want to change my every day and so I stopped reading.

That study, with that particular group of girls, is probably the most life-changing thing I have ever done. And I hope it's just the beginning. It truly changed how I related God to my every day. How I pray, how I listen to music, how I worship, how I interact with others. I will probably always refer to those friends as my "summer bible study girls" and remember how God used them and those weeks to wave His hand in front of eyes and get my attention.

Soon after I was listening to some Jesus Culture songs off of youtube on my phone. The song "I Surrender" by Kim Walker came on. I was doing other things, and trying to sing along to the simple words:

"There is no love, sweeter than the love You pour on me. There is no song, sweeter than the song You sing to me. There is no place, that I would rather be, Than here at Your feet, laying down everything. All to You, I surrender Everything, every part of me. All to You, I surrender All of my dreams, all of me. If worship's like perfume, I'll pour mine out on You. For there is none as deserving of my love like You. So take my hand and draw me into You, I want to be swept away, lost in love for You. I surrender..."

Great words, right? I'm just doing my own thing, thinking "hey this is great song" until the bridge begins. I clearly remember this moment, when I stopped what I was doing and turned wide-eyed to my phone.

No turning back, I've made up my mind,
I'm giving all of my life this time.

I couldn't sing it. And I said it. I stood there staring at my phone and I said "I can't sing that. There is no way I can even sing that." 

I said "no."

And as the fall continued into winter, I continued saying "no."  

God kept whispering "surrender." And I very firmly looked at Him and declined.  

The crazy thing is that I missed it. I was frustrated that the feeling of summer was gone. When I listened I could very clearly hear Him; I know without a shadow of doubt He wanted me to go on my lone vacation to San Francisco. I very clearly understood that on the flight out there and was confirmed in all the little details He threw my way. I'm still not sure what I was supposed to learn, or if it was just a treat to be enjoyed. But I know I was supposed to be there.

And right before Christmas, a friend kept posting on facebook about tickets for Passion that she was trying to get rid of. The first time I saw it, I thought "Hey that'd be nice to go," but that was it.  Same thing the second time. Then a different friend called, and pretty much begged me to go with her. She was frustrated, wanted company, and thought she'd end up driving herself to Atlanta. The crazy thing was that she had free housing and money for gas. All I'd need was a ticket. So then I seriously considered. I looked up the cost online, and then I thought it would be better to see if my facebook friend still had tickets to get rid of. And she did. So I waffled a couple days. I mean, the tickets are expensive. But by not getting a new one off the site, I saved almost half price. I wasn't hearing anything clearly from God one way or the other, so I ended up letting the value convince me. And so I did it.

Then I waited to tell my parents about it for a few days, because they generally freak out about the cost of trips when I let them know. But they didn't. It honestly creeped me out a bit.

Pretty soon it was time to go. All of us who went were exhausted (we left at 6am after the youth new year's all-nighter, which most of us were at). But we went, and God showed up. 

{I think I'm going to end this here, since I've pretty much used my lunch hour. More to come. When I'll actually talk about the conference.}